


These Steps I Take

by Splivy



Series: Dawn of Gold [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Loki is a mess, M/M, infinity war fix it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:27:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22237084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Splivy/pseuds/Splivy
Summary: Loki addresses the problem of his magic, and it brings forth lots of conversation on Loki's inner thought processes.or, they talk a lot...
Relationships: Loki/Steve Rogers
Series: Dawn of Gold [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1519100
Comments: 20
Kudos: 127





	These Steps I Take

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a hot minute since I have updated this series. I have been a little slow lately, and I apologize for that. The First Time I Believed is coming next! And I am working on a new project that I want to either be a long one shot, or three part. We'll see. ;D
> 
> I wont hold you longer. Here ya go!

Loki was oddly quiet. 

Steve noticed this sometime in the evening. The god had been wrapped in his blanket, his energy low and depressive as he moved about the house for most of the day. It wouldn’t be so concerning if Loki hadn’t been a bit more active than usual for the past week. But he had been. He hasn’t been particularly lively, so to say. But he’d been better. 

Now, it was like that progress never existed, and Steve had to wonder if he had possibly imagined it. But.. no. Steve knew he didn’t mistake Loki’s easier smile, or how he ate most of (or all of) his plate of food during meals. He was sure he didn’t imagine how Loki’s screams late at night after a nightmare were more restrained, and Steve was positive he didn’t imagine Loki’s laugh the other day when Steve said something funny. Thinking back now, he didn’t remember what the joke was. But it didn’t matter, because the quiet, though genuine chuckle that bubbled up Loki’s throat was like a light at the end of a tunnel. 

“Are you alright,” he asked Loki. 

Loki looked up from where he had been staring at the floor, blanket still wrapped around his shoulders protectively. He shifted on the couch, as if uncomfortable. “Of course,” he said, but Steve didn’t miss how his lighter tone seemed too forced. 

Steve watched him closely while also trying not to be too examining. “There’s something bothering you.” The god’s eyes widened and then flickered away quickly, and Steve mentally slapped himself. “I just mean, if you want to talk. You can.”

For a moment, Loki looked like he wanted to bolt. Then his features relaxed and the tension in his shoulders bled away. Loki sighed. “I am not sure I know how.”

Steve gave him what he hoped looked like an encouraging smile. “You could try.” 

Loki’s eyes slid up to lock on Steve’s. There was something endearing about the way the god was looking at him; Steve shifted on the sofa. Loki was quiet for long enough to make Steve think he wouldn’t voice anything, but at a sharp inhale inflating Loki’s chest, he spoke. “I’ve been... concerned, as of late.” 

Steve felt his brows pull together. It was weird, for him, to feel like he had acquired a sense of responsibility over Loki, and he found himself wanting to ease Loki’s worry, regardless of what it was. “Concerned about what,” he asked lightly. 

With eyes closed, Loki swallows hard. Steve thinks he sees fear in the way Loki is presenting himself. The god is making an obvious effort to make himself look small in his blanket, and Steve can see white knuckles where Loki is gripping at the fabric. He just tilts his head and waits. 

Loki swallows again. “My magic is... not quite restored,” he choked out with difficulty. Steve sat back a little, and Loki opened his eyes, hesitantly locking them on Steve’s. “And I can not ascertain as to why.”

Steve blows out a puff of air. He doesn’t know anything about magic, let alone basic human science. He barely understood how to use half of today’s modern technology, excluding maybe his phone. But Loki was still healing. Physically, he was on a strong road to recovery. Mentally, however... that was a bit bumpier of a ride. Loki’s display of melancholy after seeming so much better just proves that. 

Loki is looking at him like he is expecting something, and Steve also sees what he thinks is embarrassment. Steve sighs. “You’re still healing. You took a hard hit, Loki. You died-“ Loki flinched. “That doesn’t just... go away.”

Distress was growing more and more evident in Loki’s eyes and posture. “I know,” he said roughly. “But even in times of grievous injury in the past, I’ve always had access to my magic.”

Steve frowned. “You’re saying you can’t feel it at all?”

Loki tightens his grip around the cover over his bony shoulders. “Not necessarily. It’s there, I am aware it’s there. But when I attempt to reach at it, or grasp it, it’s as if it falls right through my fingers.” 

Sciences of magic was certainly not one of Steve’s strong suits, but he understood from brief conversations with Thor, and even from Loki, that in most cases, magic is embedded into you from birth. Loki seemed like the type who relied on his magic. According to Thor, as a child, Loki found joy in it. Whether it was because Loki truly enjoyed the way it felt, or simply found humor in the mischief he caused, Steve didn’t know. Perhaps it was both. But he knew Loki enough by now to know that for him to not be able to reach it must be awful. 

“Can you think of why that might be,” he asked carefully. 

Loki shakes his head. 

Steve moved to sit up on the edge of the couch, resting his elbows on his knees. Loki is looking away now, down at the floor. “Maybe it’s as you said,” Steve said gently. “This wasn’t just... a grievous injury, right? I mean...” he struggles, and Loki looks back up. “He broke your neck. You were dead. I wouldn’t say that falls under the ‘grievous injury’ category.”

Steve can see that Loki disagrees, but his green eyes match his, and he shrugs. “Perhaps,” he says, but the doubt in his voice isn’t mistakable. 

“You don’t think so,” Steve said. It wasn’t a question. Loki just shakes his head again and Steve sighs. It was times like this that he really wished Thor were here, or that he knew at least. “Maybe you just need to start small,” he suggested, and Loki’s eyes slid to him. 

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe you just need to retrain it. Kind of like... physical therapy, but for magic.” He keeps his tone light and gentle. 

Loki looks thoughtful. “Perhaps.”

“Think of it like this,” Steve said, and Loki tilts his head. “When someone breaks a leg, they don’t run a marathon. First, they heal. You‘ve already gotten past that first step, mostly anyway,” he gives an encouraging smile. “Then you work yourself back up. Strengthen those muscles and make the bone stronger, take it day by day until you feel ready. Then maybe you run a mile, then two, maybe five, then ten. Before you know it, you’re good as new. Ready for a marathon.”

Loki is nodding slowly as he listened, and towards the end of Steve’s explanation, Steve knows he sees a hope sparkle in Loki’s eyes. “I see,” he said to himself, quietly. There’s a pondering look there. “Where would I even start?”

Steve smiled wide without really meaning to. For someone who has been as depressed as Loki had been, who could find no interest in anything and was susceptible to bouts of melancholy, this was good. There was a small determination in Loki’s voice when he said it, but it was still there. It was a start. It was improvement.

“Well, how did you train your magic as a kid?”

A small, sad smile crosses Loki’s lips. “It just sort of came to me. My mo-... Frigga,” he pauses, his sad smile widening only a little. “She aided me in the art of controlling it, harnessing it. Though she used to tell me I was a magic-born natural.”

A puff of a laugh escaped Loki’s lips. 

Steve remembered Thor telling him a while ago of his mother’s death. That she was murdered by... an elf? A dark elf, he thinks he remembered. At the time, Steve could only assume Loki had been in the dungeons of Asgard before Thor broke him out to fight along side him. 

Was Loki allowed to the funeral? Was he permitted to say his own goodbyes? Or was he forgotten in his cell to mourn his mother’s death on his own? The thought brought a pang to Steve’s chest. He couldn’t imagine not being at his own ma’s funeral. 

“It all came easily to me,” Loki said, pulling Steve from his thoughts. “This wouldn’t be the same. I don’t know where to begin.”

“I’ll help you,” Steve said without hesitation. Loki’s gaze snapped up, and the shocked expression on his face made something in Steve’s chest hurt. It was a look that seemed to suggest not many have put much effort in to helping Loki in the past. It irked him. “Is it so surprising?”

Something flickered in Loki’s expression. “Is what so surprising?”

Steve sighed. “That I would be willing to help.”

Loki twitched, his grip on the blanket tightening and then loosening again. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out but a small sigh. “I suppose from you it shouldn’t be.”

Steve wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean, but Loki said it like he didn’t really mean to say it out loud. There was this vulnerability in him, Steve had noticed, in the past couple of days. 

He would catch Loki looking at him from the corner of his eye, and then when Loki would notice that Steve had seen, his eyes would quickly scurry away. Sometimes, Loki would just stare at him with this strange intensity with a look Steve couldn’t quite put his finger on. 

But, if Steve could compare it to something, it was a similar look to when Loki would speak about Thor. A look with this fierce longing, like his eyes were shining with this  _ necessity  _ to have _.  _ Like  _ Steve  _ was a necessity. 

“I’m sorry,” Loki said, blinking quickly while his eyes shot away. 

Steve cleared his throat, but it didn’t seem like enough, so he swallowed hard. “No,” he said, still hoarse. He coughed again. “It’s... fine.”

Loki looked at him through his eyelashes, and Steve never noticed how long and full they were until now. “Where do we start,” Loki asked.

“What?”

The tiniest of smiles crossed over Loki’s lips. It was... sweet. “You said you would help.”

“Right!”

“With my magic.”

“Of course I will,” Steve paused, and he thought he saw Loki’s smile widen. Steve felt his own smile stretch over his mouth, something fluttering in his chest. He couldn’t place what it was or what it meant, but it was... good. 

“You know I am grateful,” Loki said after a moment, a little awkward. “For all you’ve done?”

Steve saw something raw in Loki’s eyes then. “I know,” he said. 

“You could have left me,” Loki started again, his voice dull. “You could have left me, or waited for someone else to find me. You could have turned me in to your government by now.”

“Loki-“

“Why haven’t you?”

Steve’s teeth clicked shut. Again, that vulnerability was back in Loki’s eyes, and it made Steve shift on the couch. “I’ve told you. It was never an option.”

“Why not?”

“It just wasn’t. And even if it was... I don’t think it would have ever been something I could make myself do. Even if I hated you. It’s just not who I am.”

Loki swallowed, looking nervous. “Do you?” 

Steve’s brows pulled together in a frown. “Do I what?”

“Hate me.”

That, Steve thinks, is enough to make him want to melt right here on the couch. Or hit something. Or maybe cry. 

He used to think he was incapable of hate. And he lived by that, for a long time throughout his life, even after the ice. Maybe  _ especially  _ after the ice. But that was all before he had the unfortunate experience of meeting Thanos face to face. Even during Loki’s rampage through New York, he didn’t hate him. He knew with an upmost certainty that Loki was insane, at the time, which is what makes this Loki still so hard to get used to sometimes, but he also understood that he was just... hurt. Hurt people tend to be scared, and scared people do stupid things. 

“No,” Steve said, his voice cracking. Loki flinched, and Steve wanted to do... something. “Of course I don’t hate you. I never did. And I certainly don’t hate you now.”

Loki scoffed a little. “You’re telling me that when I attempted to invade your realm, there wasn’t just an ounce of hate?”

Steve knew he needed to word this strategically. If he went too far, Loki may crack. If he didn’t say enough, Loki would think Steve thought him too broken. “There was certainly anger,” he started slowly, cautiously. Loki was looking at him, seeming to be listening intently. “But I never hated you. I just remember feeling so... angry, and frustrated. And disappointed. It was... it was like I was back in the war. Such pointless death and destruction. For nothing.”

Loki nodded, swallowing hard, something horrible in his eyes. “It was...” he murmured, half to himself. Steve tilted his head, unsure. 

“It was what?”

Loki shook his head, and there was something in his eyes that seemed to suggest he was angry with  _ himself.  _ “Pointless,” he ground out through his teeth. “I never thought... it wasn’t what I-“ he cut off with a frustrated sound, shaking his head again. “Never mind.”

“No,” Steve tried. “You can tell me.”

He thought maybe Loki would, but instead, the god closed his eyes, and that was it. Steve wants to say something, but he doesn’t know what it would be. He could be mistaken, but it sounded to him like Loki was... apologetic. Sorry. 

“I’m sorry,” Steve said. “Maybe we shouldn’t... talk about it.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Loki said to him with something sad. “It feels wrong when you apologize to me.”

Steve swallowed, again at a loss for what to say. 

Loki seemed to realize what he said, and his eyes widened slightly. He stood jerkily to his feet, and Steve’s confused eyes followed him. “Excuse me,” Loki said, and basically bolted from the room. 

Steve just say there, dumbfounded. 

...

That conversation was a few days ago, now. Steve still hadn’t brought it up, and Loki seemed to be more hesitant and unsure around him. It made Steve feel like they had stumbled back a few steps from the accomplishments and improvements they’d made since he found Loki practically dying on the sand under his house. 

For now, the two ignored it and stuck to working on Loki’s magic, who was doing well at taking the analogy Steve had offered him from before. He wasn’t ready for a marathon, but he was working his way up. 

Loki was able to spark a few flicks of green magic at his fingertips, and even managed to create an orb of bright light and maintain it. By the end of these, however, sweat was forming at the god’s brow and he was slouching forward in exhaustion. 

It was small, but it was something. Sometimes, hope was all you had. And Steve had to think that after everything he’s been through, Loki didn’t have much of that.  _ Steve  _ didn’t have much, but he was trying. He tries to believe it’s enough, both for him and Loki.

Since Steve had been helping reestablish Loki’s magic, though, he’s noticed a bit more life in the god. His smile came easier again, and his sleep was almost undisturbed. Or, okay, maybe not  _ undisturbed,  _ but Steve hadn’t heard him scream himself awake the past few nights. 

Loki wasn’t the only one who was doing better. It would seem that Steve’s helping Loki was aiding in his own self improvement. He slept feeling more at ease too, and he didn’t dwell as easily on the self hatred and guilt that practically ate away at his skin. He didn’t think of Bucky and how he failed him every second of every day anymore. 

Steve was good for Loki. And Loki was good for Steve. It was a strange thing. But it was beneficial to them both, so neither of them tried to question it too much. 

Why question something so sweet?

...

So far, Loki was doing okay. Not well. But okay. 

The god got frustrated at himself too easily, and Steve couldn’t help but wonder why that might be. He was tense, and unsure of himself, and he would hesitate too quickly at something that should be easy. Or at least Loki told him it should be. To simply attract sparks to your fingertips should be uncomplicated, but Loki struggled with the aspect. Once he had it, however, he seemed to hold it fairly well. 

He was holding it now, a small, relieved smile playing at his lips. “There you are,” he whispered, and Steve thinks it was to his magic. His hand was trembling ever so slightly, but it was steady enough to hold the magic. 

“Wow,” Steve breathed. “That’s amazing.” He didn’t exactly mean to say it.

Loki looked unimpressed. “This is nothing,” he said. “If I had full access and a wider range, I could do far greater things.”

“Still,” Steve opposed. “This is good, too. I can’t do anything like that, don’t sell yourself short.”

Something crossed Loki’s gaze, but Steve didn’t catch it in time. “You should not, either.”

Steve blinked. “Shouldn’t what? Sell myself short?”

“Yes.”

He frowned. “I guess I just meant I can’t do magic.”

Loki looked at him for a moment, his head cocking to the side. He made a ‘hmm’ sound, but didn’t say anything else. Steve wondered what he was thinking.

Steve was quiet for a second. “How does it feel?”

Loki’s outstretched hand that flared green was already unsteady before, but now it was practically vibrating. He let it go, the glow disappearing, his shoulders slouching. “Better, I suppose.” 

He didn’t sound better. Steve winced. “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t what you’re used to.”

Frowning, Loki said, “it is not your fault. If it is anyone’s, it’s mine.”

Steve... really didn’t believe that. And for some reason it hurt for Loki to say it. “Um,” he started. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s Thanos’.” Loki flinched at the name, and Steve felt a bout of guilt, but he didn’t regret the correction. “You didn’t kill yourself.”

“Well,” Loki mused, voice dismissive. 

Steve’s brows met. “What?”

A sigh escaped Loki’s lips. There was something on his face that seemed to suggest he  _ really  _ didn’t want to talk about it. “No, I did not kill myself,” he agreed. “But I knew what I was doing.”

_ He took my brother and crushed his neck.  _ Something horrible filled Steve’s stomach.

“What do you mean?”

Loki swallowed, his lips tightening in obvious distress. Steve thought Loki wouldn’t elaborate, but then he opened his mouth and the words flowed out like a waterfall. “I admit, I don’t remember much of that exchange,” he said, and Steve didn’t like that Loki called it an  _ exchange.  _ “But, I do remember thinking,  _ if I could just take the attention off Thor. If I could just give Thor time _ .”

Steve’s heart wrenched in his chest. Back in 2012, Loki would have done all he could to hurt Thor. Or... maybe that was what he wanted them all to believe. You can’t go from trying to kill someone, to dying for them, if that attachment suddenly just snapped. 

“I knew,” Loki continued. “that the only way to give Thor the time he desperately needed and distract Thanos from his death, was to give him mine.”

Loki was looking down at his hands that were clasped together tight in his lap, a frown twitching at his lips. “It was the only way,” he broke off with a dark laugh. “But now I’m wondering if the Norns are trying to tell me it is not so. Or if this is just my punishment.”

Taken aback, Steve asked, “punishment?”

Loki’s eyes slid up to look at him through his eyelashes, but his head remained bowed. The posture brought a pang to Steve’s chest. “Never mind,” Loki said quietly, eyes going away again.

Something horrible settled down in the pit of Steve’s stomach. “Loki,” he paused. “Do you think... do you think you deserved it?”

There was suddenly a viciousness in Loki’s smile, as if he were asking for a challenge. “Deserved what, exactly? My death, or my being brought back? I honestly can not tell which is worse.”

A humorless laugh bubbled up Loki’s throat, and it made Steve feel awful, somehow. Steve remembered Loki saying  _ you tell me it won’t always be like this, but I don’t see it going anywhere else.  _ And Steve hadn’t known what to say then, and he still didn’t know what to say now. 

“Loki, you didn’t deserve it.” Keep it simple. 

Another grating laugh. “You think I haven’t earned my demons? The dreams I wake from at night are not of your concern, Captain. You shouldn’t burden yourself with them.” 

Steve didn’t know where to begin to explain just how much that  _ wasn’t the point.  _ “Okay,” Steve said mostly to himself, as if bracing for something. He swallowed hard. “Let me just start with this. You did not deserve it because no one deserves that. Death is one thing, but being forced back to life with the memory of your  _ neck being crushed  _ is another,” it came out harsher than he meant, because he saw Loki twitch. “Not that you would have deserved death anyway, but that’s a whole different topic. Second, what you did was very noble, and very brave. And don’t try to tell me it wasn’t. You walked right into the face of certain death for Thor, and for your people.

“And, let me make this perfectly clear, Loki,” he paused, and the way Loki was looking at him  _ fucking hurt.  _ “It’s not, and it never will be, a burden.  _ You  _ are not a burden. I  _ want  _ to help you, because I  _ like  _ you. Because...-“ he hesitates, unsure. But in the end, it’s pretty simple. “Because you’re my friend.”

If Steve could put how shocked Loki looked into words, he would. But nothing could describe it. It made Steve feel like someone had just Hulk punched him right in the stomach. 

Loki took in a sharp inhale, and it rattled in his chest. He held it, and for a moment, Steve didn’t know what to expect. Did he go too far? Loki was better, but he wasn’t  _ okay,  _ and if Steve pushed too hard, he feared Loki would just crack into pieces. When Loki’s breath finally released, the tension just bled away. He clearly still didn’t know what to say, his mouth open, but no words coming out.

“Loki,” Steve starts again. “I don’t mean... I don’t mean to startle you. But I just- I need you to know that.”

Loki’s gaped open mouth finally closed, and he sighed, his posture screaming defeat. “You’re right,” he croaked. “I probably shouldn’t say such things.”

Steve sighed too, air rushing out of his chest. “I understand why you do.”

Loki looked unconvinced. “You do,” he asked, a little dryly. “A man as good as you? Compared to a man like me. Who perhaps isn’t even a man at all.”

Licking his lips, Steve shifted. “It’s not about comparing. And I’m not a saint.”

“Debatable.”

“Loki.”

“No,” Loki said. “You’re right. I won’t... I-“ he was unsure, stumbling over his words, and Steve couldn’t help but remember how well Loki spoke back in 2012. 

_ In all my time knowing Thanos... _

_ He had one goal, and he would do whatever he could to get people to bend to his will. He tried to bend me.  _

Steve inwardly winced. How much did Thanos morph Loki into the weapon he needed to get what he wanted. 

“It’s okay,” Steve said. “I get it.”

Loki nodded, but didn’t say anything else. 

The rest of that night was fairly silent.

...

“Good,” Steve says while Loki attempts to levitate a glass in the kitchen. He hadn’t managed to lift it from the counter, but Loki’s magic was causing it to vibrate. 

Loki makes a frustrated sound, releasing his hold on the glass. “No,” he said harshly. “It’s not.”

“You couldn’t do that yesterday,” Steve points out, and Loki’s anger bleeds away slightly, looking at Steve like he knew he was right. 

Loki’s eyes lock on his for a moment longer, then they slide away back to the glass. “My apologies.”

Something in Steve’s chest cracks then, because there is suddenly this hopelessness in Loki that seems worse than before. And he just wants to help, and make it go away, but he can’t figure out how to do it. Steve didn’t bode well to helplessness. 

“It’s okay,” he said, a little cautiously. “It’s progress. I know it seems small. But it  _ is _ progress.” 

Loki shakes his head. “It’s just not a sensation I am used to.”

“What kind of sensation?” 

Steve is trying to keep the conversation from here on out casual, but he can feel the apprehension seeping its way into both of them. 

Loki hesitates for a second. “It’s as though the magic is no longer mine. It sits dormant in my blood, desperately waiting to be used, but when I go to reach for it, it is suddenly rebelling against me. As though that was never what it wanted in the first place.” 

Steve can... kind of understand that. It’s similar to how he used to feel about himself. Not that he had magic, of course, but when he first came out of the ice... it was like he wanted to be himself, but the world was so new and so old at the same time that his inner self struggled and rebelled with something else that... wasn’t him. He decided to voice that. “I get it,” he said, and perhaps it will help.

Making a confused gesture, Loki says, “Really?”

_ Well,  _ Steve thought to himself.  _ So much for casual conversation.  _

“Yeah,” he said. “I mean, no, I don’t have magic and I can’t relate to the exact words you’re saying and experience your implying, but... I think I get it,” he pauses, hesitating. “Coming out of the ice. It wasn’t easy.”

Loki tilts his head a little. “No,” Loki said quietly, as if to himself. “No, I don’t suppose it was.”

Loki looked thoughtful, like he was remembering an experience of his own that held resemblance to Steve’s. Steve had to wonder what it was. 

_ It’s as if my body has been hollowed out, and there is nothing left behind. _

_ He never thought I was listening.  _

_ He took my brother and crushed his neck. _

God... how much has Loki had to go through to be here as he was today? 

Maybe that was it... maybe it wasn’t physical restrictions holding back Loki’s magic. Maybe it was... something else. 

“Loki,” he started, voice quiet and slow, because he knew if he didn’t word this quite right, Loki would retaliate. Loki was beginning to move to put the glass away, but stopped, turning to look at Steve. 

“Yes?”

He took a deep breath. “Don’t... Don’t take this the wrong way. Okay?”

A frown pulled the god’s eyebrows together, his lips parting slightly. “Alright?”

Steve couldn’t help but inhale another sharp breath. “Is it perhaps... is what’s stopping your magic, or hindering your ability to get a good grasp on it... could it... not be physical?”

Loki’s frown deepened, but something less confused and more defensive set itself upon it. “What do you mean?”

“Could what’s happening be something... mental? Or emotional?”

With eyes narrowed, Loki blinked, anger bleeding into his gaze. “You think I’m so unstable as that?”

“No- that’s... that wasn’t what I was saying at all.”

“Then please,” Loki said bitterly. “Enlighten me.”

“I’m just...” he swallowed, Loki’s fuming eyes locked on his eyes. Steve tried again, slowly. “I’m only saying that your head has been... all over the place. And it’s okay for that to happen, you’ve just gone through a lot.”

Loki’s throat bobbed as he swallowed hard, the frenzied anger washing away a little into something worse. Something raw and flayed. “What’s your point?”

Steve sighed, waiting for a moment longer before speaking. “Isn’t it possible that all of that could affect you in other ways? Maybe even your magic?”

_ I am afraid,  _ Loki had said.  _ I’m not whole. _

Steve thought if Loki was afraid before, he looked  _ terrified  _ now. Because it was damn well possible that Steve was right. And if he was... what the hell do they do? 

Loki released a breath Steve didn’t notice he was holding, his tense shoulders falling down at ease. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I don’t mean to be so... insufferable.”

Steve couldn’t hold back a small chuckle. “I wouldn’t say you were insufferable.”

Loki’s own minuscule smile twitched at the corner of his mouth. “What would you call it,” he asked lightly. 

“Overwhelming?” 

Loki huffed out a laugh. A quiet exhalation of breath, but a laugh nonetheless. He sounded tired, and he  _ looked  _ exhausted. 

“It’s getting late,” Steve pointed out. 

Loki looked out the window, watching the waves crash against the shore, the ocean’s water reflecting the moon’s light. “Yes, it is.”

As if Steve’s legs took on a mind of their own, he took two steps to get closer to Loki, who turned to face him with something skeptical on his features. “I know I’ve already said this,” Steve said. “But, I promise it gets better. We should just keep going at this. I think it’s working.”

Loki looked like he disagreed, but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he took tiny, cautious steps of his own, but there was something...  _ bold  _ in his movements. He stopped right in front of Steve, and Steve’s heart flickered a beat in his chest. Before he could process it, Loki’s palm was on the Steve’s cheek. His thumb rubbed a soft line under his eye. “You’re a good man,” Loki murmured quietly, and there was a hint of sadness in his voice. “Captain Steve Rogers.”

Steve’s breath hitched in his chest, and he opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. 

Loki left him like that, confused and fluttered, in the kitchen. 

Steve didn’t move for almost ten minutes before he made his legs move and bring himself to go to bed.

...

The next morning, Steve and Loki were sitting together on the balcony, listening to the calming sound of the waves. 

Steve had a mug of coffee, and Loki had a glass of milk. 

“For what it’s worth,” Loki started, not taking his gaze off the waves. “I am sorry.”

Steve frowned, wondering what Loki could possibly be apologizing for so early in the morning. “What for, Loki? It’s nine in the morning...”

A twitch of Loki’s lips. “For New York.”

Steve’s breath stopped for a moment. He wanted to say... something. But what do you say to that? “Oh...”

“I just wanted you to know that. Steve Rogers.”

Steve was beginning to like the way Loki said his name.


End file.
